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If Dogs Bought Cars

Aaron Gold
by Aaron Gold
March 8, 2016
6 min. Reading Time
dog driving car

dog driving car

Americans are passionate about their pets, and most dog owners will readily admit that when it comes to any big purchase—furniture, homes, and even cars—their precious pups' needs are a prime concern. But what if it were up to our dogs to pick our cars? We tend to gravitate towards cars that are a reflection of our personality, so doesn't it follow that our dogs would do the same? With the help of our vivid imaginations (and way too much time spent fiddling with Photoshop), we've matched up our favorite breeds with our favorite cars to answer the eternal question: What would Rover drive? Grab your leash and let's go canine car shopping!

Siberian Husky – Dodge Challenger

Siberian Huskys are handsome, friendly, playful, and completely unconcerned with what their owners might want them to do. These dogs were bred to run really fast in a straight line, and all other commands are secondary (and often blissfully ignored). Their happy-go-lucky personality makes it virtually impossible to stay mad at a Husky, which is fortunate, because most of them won't notice.

Like its canine counterpart, Chrysler's iconic muscle car is good-looking, lots of fun, and very, very quick. Challengers will run hard and fast in a straight line, but other concerns—such as going around corners—are purely secondary.


Pug – Mini Cooper

From its adorable smushed-up face to its curly tail, the Pug appears as if it was genetically engineered to make us smile. Pugs seem to pack more energy per cubic inch than any other dog, though they are inherently self-limiting: Their tiny little nostrils don't let in enough oxygen to feed their manic personalities, and particularly energetic Pugs have been known to pass out from overexcitement. Pugs can require a lot of maintenance—the wrinkles in their face must be cleaned to avoid infection—but they bring their owners no shortage of joy. Bonus: They snore when they eat.

MINI likens their car to a bulldog, but we think the pug is a better match, owing to the Cooper's scrappy nature and sunny personality. Like the Pug, the Mini Cooper can require quite a lot of maintenance as it ages, but it's hard not to smile when you drive it.


Poodle – Prius V

Standard Poodles are highly intelligent, easy to train, even hypoallergenic—and yet no one seems to appreciate their intellectual superiority because of their goofy look, particularly when their owners give them those ridiculous grooming jobs. Imagine if Alexander Fleming, the inventor of penicillin, had his hair cut to look like a pom-pom. No one would have taken him seriously and we’d still be dying of silly things like ear infections.

The Prius v is one of the smartest vehicles on the market. It offers the passenger room and cargo space of an SUV, while its hybrid drivetrain delivers 40-plus MPG in real-world driving. And yet, like the Standard Poodle, people seem to ignore its attributes because of its looks, which are tame and a bit frumpy. Perhaps Toyota should put a giant pom-pom on the roof.


Cavalier King Charles Spaniel – Lamborghini Aventador Roadster

Though it is, technically, a hunting dog—that's the spaniel part of the name—the adorable Cavalier King Charles was bred for one purpose: As adornment for royalty. If the Cav's looks don't melt your soul, the fact that it will happily cuddle up in your lap and go to sleep is bound to win you over. As it happens, sitting in your lap and looking good is the life to which these dogs are best suited, as heart disease runs rampant in the breed.

The Lamborghini Aventador is drop-dead gorgeous. Sit in one outside your favorite happening nightclub and you're bound to attract the attention of paparazzi and passers-by. But like the Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, looking good is what Aventadors do best: Their reliability is terrible and if you try to drive one on a regular basis it will invariably drop dead.


Beagle – BMW 4-Series Coupe

Beagles are handsome, energetic, and very light on their feet—but they also have serious attitude problems, especially if they aren’t exercised regularly. They can difficult to train and reluctant to obey what commands they do know, and they will bark, howl and/or whine at anything and everything that passes by. Their energy and stubbornness has led to a bad reputation: Some people just assume that Beagles are jerks.

Like the Beagle, the BMW 4-Series is an athletic car—but if you drive one, people are going to make assumptions about you (and generally not very nice ones). BMW owners certainly don’t help their own cause, as these cars seem to attract the sort of people who either drive six inches from your back bumper or refuse to move out of the left lane for faster traffic (or, sometimes, both). If you want the world to perceive you as a jerk, driving a BMW 4-Series is a good start.


Pit Bull – Chevrolet Corvette

The Pit Bull may be the most maligned and misunderstood breed on the planet. Technically, it’s not even a breed—it’s a grouping of dogs that includes the American Pit Bull Terrier, the American Staffordshire Terrier, and the Staffordshire Bull Terrier. Pits have a bad reputation because they were originally bred for fighting—first for bull- and bear-baiting and later for illegal fights against each other. In truth, well-bred and well-trained pit bulls are loyal, affectionate dogs that make great family pets. The evidence that pit bulls are more dangerous to humans than other dogs is questionable at best, and those that accept their undeserved reputation at face value are missing out on a fantastic breed.

The Corvette has earned an unfair reputation as a poser sports car for poser drivers. And while there have been some lousy Corvettes produced, for most of its fifty-plus-year run the Corvette really has been America’s sports car. To assume that they aren't as good as other sports cars is a big mistake, as ‘Vettes of the last twenty years or so will give contemporary Porsches a run for their money. Dismiss the Corvette if you like, but you’re missing out on a fantastic car.


Pomeranian – Chevrolet Sonic

The Pomeranian is often described as a big dog trapped in a small dog’s body. Pomeranians are tiny, often weighing between five and seven pounds—and yet they seem to be completely oblivious to that fact, often fancying themselves as guard dogs charged with the defense of their home territory. Poms are intelligent, friendly, and easy to train, characteristics not normally found in such tiny canines.

Though easily dismissed because of its tiny size, the Chevrolet Sonic’s quiet and composed ride and well-appointed interior make it feel (and drive) like a much bigger and more expensive car. And with ten airbags as standard, this small car does a great job guarding the life of its occupants. The Sonic is well built and the turbo version can be as much fun to drive as bigger hot hatchbacks like the Volkswagen GTI.


Greyhound—Jaguar F-Type

Greyhounds are slender, beautiful, and very, very fast—they are known best for their speed, but they also make wonderful pets. However, Greyhounds do require special care—their lean build means they need soft places to sleep, and veterinarians must be aware of their unique blood chemistry to avoid misdiagnosis. (A note: Racing Greyhounds are often subject to abhorrent treatment, and many are killed or sold to research labs when they can no longer race. Fortunately, there are several organizations devoted to finding good homes for these wonderful dogs.)

Like its canine counterpart, the Jaguar F-Type is lithe, lean, and very, very fast—it will easily out-sprint most of its competitors. But Jaguars can be sensitive to the type of care and feeding they receive, especially as they age. With so much power tucked under the hood, F-Types can be subject to abusive racing, but for a caring owner they will inevitably prove to be a much-loved companion.


Border Collie—Ford F-Series Super Duty

Border Collies were bred as herding dogs, and they are at their best when working as a team with their human owners. They are strong and energetic, and many livestock farmers consider them an absolute necessity. Unlike many breeds, Border Collies don't necessarily make good pets—so strong is their desire to work that they often develop neurotic and destructive behaviors when denied the opportunity to do the herding for which they were bred.

The F-Series Super Duty pickup trucks are born to tow and haul—in fact, so strong are these pickups that their bones form the basis of Ford's heavier-duty trucks. Like the Border Collie, the Super Duty is happiest when it's working. Using it as a family car can lead to destructive behaviors such as outrageous fuel bills and frequent inability to find a large enough parking spot.


Mutt—Toyota Corolla

Some say that if you want the best dog possible, go to the pound and get a mutt. Dogs that are a mish-mosh of breeds tend to exhibit the best characteristics of all of them. More often than not, mutts are intelligent, loyal, healthy, and free of the idiosyncrasies and problems that afflict so many breeds.

It may not be the fanciest or the fastest or the most impressive car you can buy, but the Toyota Corolla is about as loyal an automotive companion as one can find. It may not turn heads, but a Corolla is a rugged car that will treat you well and live practically forever.



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