Now we know you personally are more than aware of these ten things not to do in a car on a first date. Here, we’re talking to those other people, the ones that don’t know. After all, handled with a bit of common sense, a first date can be a wonderful thing. There’s the potential promise of enjoying new and fulfilling adventures together, the unrivaled thrill of getting to know someone you’re genuinely attracted to, and the anticipation of, well…
Let’s just say there’s a lot to look forward to—and leave it at that.
Now, unless you live in some godforsaken place like New York City where people consider cars more of a problem than a pleasure, odds are your first date will probably involve a car. Being in a car with another person is one of the more intimate experiences two people can share. You’re all alone, you’re close enough together to be directly affected by one another’s actions, and if you’re the passenger, you’ve literally placed your life in the other person’s hands.
For these reasons, there are quite a few things you really should avoid doing. Truthfully speaking, they are all pretty much common sense. However, as our sainted grandmother always used to so wisely say; “Baby, common sense really ain’t so common.”
How special would you feel after spending a couple of hours or more getting all spruced up to go out on a first date, only to find yourself strapped into a car reeking of Mickey D’s? Did your date really spend all that time getting ready to go out only to immediately find their clothes and hair permeated with the inimitably indelible odor of Mickey D’s fries? Seriously, even if you like Mickey D’s, that’s a nasty smell y’all. Do you honestly think this is going to imbue the evening with a beautifully romantic aura? And don’t even get us started on what eating fast food on the drive over is going to do to your breath.
People aren’t stupid, even if they know nothing at all about cars, they can look at all the wood, wool, leather, chrome, and buttons and tell your BMW 7 Series cost more than their Chevy Sonic. Calling attention to the fact only paints you as someone with more money than self-confidence. In other words, you basically demonstrate you’re an insecure individual using money to make up for some perceived lack of something somewhere else in your life. Not a good look—not a good look at all. Unless, of course you really don’t have anything going for you other than how much money you make and how many material possessions you’re capable of amassing. If that’s all there is to you, then by all means, go ahead—do your thing. We’ve seen that movie already though. Spoiler alert—you’ll possibly get through dates one through three, but once they got whatever it is they were working you for, it’ll just be you and your expensive car—starting all over again.
OK Slick, you just graduated from the Skip Barber racing school and now you feel like you’re ready to smoke Lewis Hamilton on any road course anywhere in the world. Thing is, you’re out on a date, just chill! It ain’t a race, and it ain’t a measure of your worth as a human being if you beat somebody to the next traffic signal. Yeah, so you just got a new sports car. You’re out on a first date. This is not the time to demonstrate how well it accelerates, corners, and brakes. Unless, of course the first date is at a racetrack and that’s what the two of you came to do. Even then, keep it on the track; you don’t need to demonstrate your abilities out on the street. Truthfully, by and large the only driving ability most people care about is your ability to get them to the date and back home without killing them. So just chill. While we’re at it, keep that road rage thing in check too. You’re driving one car, not every car out there. The fastest way to turn a first date off is with boorish and selfish behavior—in any circumstance. The road belongs to everyone, share it peacefully, and focus your attention where it belongs, on the person in the right front seat. OK?
Bluetooth is a wonderful thing, the phone rings; you touch a button and take the call while you’re still on the move. It’s positively fantastic—until one of your friends calls while you’re out on your first date to ask you the name of that strip club you went to last week and how to get to that place where you got the 100 one dollar bills so quickly. Ditto text messaging: oh, yeah, it’s lots of fun driving with your date to your destination trying to have a conversation with them as their eyes are glued to the screen and their thumbs are banging out 140 words a minute—because somebody else somewhere else is just way more important than taking the time to get to know the someone right here with whom they might well could spend the rest of their lives. Telephones are wonderful devices. Modern life wouldn’t be the same without them. OK? We’ve acknowledged that. Now would you please shut the f**king thing off while we spend a few hours together getting to know one another? Is that really too much to ask? Now conversely, if the two of you have come up with a spontaneous idea to see a film, or try a new restaurant, and you can use the phone to facilitate doing so—hey—that’s all good. Otherwise, leave it turned off.
OK, so you’re going out on a first date and you’re doing the driving. Dating 101 here folks; just as a good lawyer never asks a question to which they don’t already know the answer, you should never drive someplace on a first date you don’t already know how to reach. If you’ve agreed to go to an unfamiliar place, check it out ahead of time, do a test run to the place—starting from where the two of you will be meeting. This way, you can use the drive over to get acquainted, rather than demonstrate how patently inept you can be because you are incapable of planning.
Speaking of advance preparation, nothing says, “I'm an idiot and i don’t know how to plan.” louder than pulling into a gas station after you pick up your date. You know the car runs on gas, you have a fuel gauge staring you right in the face, and you didn’t realize the car needed gas until after your date got in the car? Not to mention the fact gas stations are ugly and have no place in a romantic evening. And, if you think that old lame-ass 1950s “ Oops, we ran out of gas” ploy is going to get you some action these days, you’re sorely mistaken. In the 21st century it gets you walking to the nearest station, hoping they got a gas can so your stupid butt can put just enough gas in the car to take your date back home—because that’s the only place they’re going to want to go after you pull such a boneheaded move.
Photo by Stock Photograph
OK, said in English, don’t be belching and/or farting in the car—OK? And frankly, if you need to be told this one… How in the hell did you even get a date with another human being in the first place? Now granted, occasionally there will be situations wherein you can’t help it. You just had dinner and swallowing all that air, well it can’t stay in there, it’s got to go somewhere. Finding yourself in that situation, you can try a pre-emptive strike by saying something like, “I could really use some fresh air, do you mind if I crack a window?” Or, you can just say you need to go to the bathroom and hope the eruption holds until you can get out of the car. If you know you’re prone to such outbreaks, try to avoid consuming foods and beverages likely to bring them on before the date—or while you’re out at dinner together. For the record, this is yet another reason you’ll absolutely want to avoid eating fast food in the car on the way to pick up your date. Mickey D’s is known for creating the gassy belly syndrome folks. You want to kill a romantic mood fast? Let your date smell the contents of your digestive system.
Is there any uglier sound a human being can make than the one accompanying clearing their nose of a half-gallon of snot? (Other than the two we just covered that is.) Aside from being exceptionally gross, it’s just plain rude. You’re in this tightly confined area with someone you barely know and all of a sudden this gooey-wet sound louder than a Boeing 747 at takeoff comes roaring out of their face? What’s more, this is a person you know is hoping for a hug and a kiss at the end of the evening? Yeah...NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN. If you have a first date scheduled and you’ve taken so ill you’re left with this much congestion, you really should be trying to reschedule the date. First of all, being out in public you run the risk of infecting other people (not to mention exacerbating your illness), and second of all, none of us really want to be around your snotty-nosed ass all evening. Please, do everybody a favor—just stay home.
Here’s the deal, and there’s no denying it happens to us all; after a meal, there is sometimes the one errant piece of braised lamb stuck between your teeth—and no matter what you do, you just can’t get it out. You’re driving along surreptitiously trying every way imaginable to extricate that last piece of flesh from between your teeth. You’re going at it with your tongue, you’re sucking your teeth so hard your jaws are caving in, and finally, you just can’t take it anymore. When you think your date isn't looking, you extend your little finger and go after it with the nail of your pinky. And just as you get hold of it, they turn to comment on what a wonderful meal it was—the one you apparently brought a tiny little piece of out to the car with you to savor on the way home. Yeah, there’s a real sexy look. So, how to avoid this? Two words: dental floss. Right after the entrée, excuse yourself to the washroom and floss that excess meat out from between your teeth, rinse, spit, and return to the table feeling suitably liberated and refreshed. Then, enjoy dessert, pay the check, and move on to the next part of the evening—with your smooth still intact.
This is another one should be filed under “Come on, do we really need to tell you this? Seriously?” First of all, illegalities aside, driving under the influence is extremely dangerous—no matter how well you think you can handle your intoxicant of choice. Second of all, it’s pretty hard to get another date with somebody when you're in jail for killing them on on the first date. This goes for passengers too. Getting into somebody’s car and sparking up a doobie might be considered hip, cool, and with it in some circles. But it’s also a recipe for a conversation with a cop—or worse. Now, if you’re both into “partying”; hey, more power to ya—we ain’t here to judge. All we can do is offer good sound advice. If you’re prone to doing this—regardless of what you read here—all we ask is you find a stationary venue in which to indulge yourselves and stay there, for the duration of the evening. We ain’t trying to be the ones in the crosswalk got run over by your junkie ass because you looked down when a spark fell off the joint into your lap.