Faced with diminishing sales and a growing lack of storage space for a ballooning inventory, General Motors shocked the automotive press today by announcing that the remaining 2008 and 2009 HUMMER trucks and SUVs would be distributed via a nationwide raffle. In an uncharacteristically candid press conference, Vice-Chairman Ray Lutz described the initiative in plain and honest terms.
"The idea is to find a home for every HUMMER vehicle that's currently sitting out there, neglected and alone in any one of our hundreds of storage facilities", he said. "After investigating the costs of crushing and finding them prohibitive, it seemed as though the most constructive option is raffling them off so that sport utility vehicle lovers can finally park a HUMMER in their driveway."
Lutz went on to describe the details of the raffle, wherein tickets will be sold for $19.99 each, plus delivery costs and dealer prep fees. "With 0% financing now available thanks to an infusion of cash from the United States government, any member of the American public should be able to walk out of their local HUMMER dealership with reasonable monthly payments on a GM raffle ticket," he said. Lutz also mentioned that cash back and other incentives could drop the price of a ticket below $19.99, depending upon dealer participation and inventory.
Recognizing that the HUMMER brand had perhaps fallen from the consciousness of most American car buyers, the company is releasing a list of possible uses for their vehicles that will be displayed prominently in dealerships across the country. Some of the highlights from the list include:
- Making a planter for shrubs and garden vegetables.
- Heated and cooled doghouse.
- All-weather ski-delivery device (roof rack raffle ticket sold separately).
- Winter tire storage.
- Comfortable family vehicle.
GM cautioned consumers not to confuse the raffle tickets with the free corporate shares given away with every GMC Envoy sold in the 4th quarter of 2008. "Both items were printed on very similar card stock, and for cost-saving reasons bear essentially the same design," Lutz said. "Buyers should be careful to make sure that they purchase genuine GM raffle tickets, as their value is currently much higher than that of our shares."